Heard on the unit

Call it the Chronic absurdity version of Heard on the unit. Guess which one(s) is(are) true?

1. So and So just lets his/her blood pressure get high to get attention.
2. I think X is paranoid and has a list of people to investigate if anything happens to him.
3. Did I get "any"? How could I get "any" in here?
4. Where is Mr. Z? I haven't seen him in a long time, so is he sick?

Answers: all true.

So is the Hotel Rehab really a crazy place? Well, some folks (like me) say rehab is a little psych and a little med-surg, so who'd be surprised with what patients (and some staff) say.

The first one shocked me because this is what one staff member said about another. I think she needs a vacation very badly and/or we have a whole lot of Munchausen Syndrome going on at the Hotel. There are some people who even suspect one of our insulin dependent diabetic staffers is overdosing on insulin for attention.

Hello, neuropsych! Can you help US? We need a real EAP folks. I'm going to go to HR and find out if they have one yet. Or I'm getting a poster of a beach in the tropics so people can chill out while eating lunch.

Surprisingly, the same person who noted this diabetic fact also noticed that since "X has become paranoid, there have been no hypoglycemic incidents." Hmm...

Number three was my fault. Never assume that patients understand pronouns or articles refer back to something you've already discussed when their minds are obviously somewhere completely different. The reply noted was when I had asked Mr. X, who keeps refusing to let the lab draw his blood (or let us draw his labs). I had asked if he had had any blood draws recently, and repeated, since he's quite deaf, "So have you had any...blood draws?" Of course, Mr. X missed the last part. Oops!

Mr. X was also startled to discover that RNs have magical "selective hearing" when necessary. Mr. X. had been dropping double entendres left and right and wondered why I was not playing along. I had to put on the RehabRN Old School Nursing Cap (which I had to borrow from F, my mentor) and lay it out, chapter and verse, according to Hotel policy, which meant, no, I cannot and will not discuss certain things at work with you. End of story. If you want Viagra, you have to talk to the psychologists, who then refer you to the appropriate medical team member for evaluation.

And finally, yes, Mr. Z. hasn't been around recently. He had a psychotic episode while apparently high/drunk/stoned on something on our unit. Security has been advised by the hospital legal staff that he cannot come back until he proves he has completed his substance abuse treatment program and meets other conditions.

Yet another thing I gloss over with a blank, "You know, I don't really know."

Stay tuned. You never know what I'll hear next.